Is There a Happy Middle-Ground?

>I’m blogging because, for me, right now, it’s the happy middle-ground between escaping into my Netflix instant queue and being super proactive in researching church membership, statistics, options, scripture references, and the like. I don’t want to work that hard on something that might not end up mattering, but I don’t feel like escaping is right either. So, I blog.

Our church is reorganizing. It’s tedious. Some people are really frustrating. This process, well, it’s a process. What was I thinking? I feel as though I’ve become very reactive in this whole thing, like a huge, sweeping pendulum swing.

This church has existed nearly 30 years with little governance and effective leadership. The “board” has operated in name only and no pastor has been fully available to serve the needs of the people. It has been hanging on. Now, we have a regular attendance. People are giving. People are receiving. People are seeking. The pendulum is sweeping in the other direction–it’s moving fast and wide. Some are trying to hold it back; I want it to hit them. It’s not very nice, but it’s true. I want hard-core accountability and details, lots of them to bring serious order where there has been none. Not because it’s necessary or even good to have all the details my evil heart wants to put in place, but like I said, I’m being reactive.

I know when I go into these meetings, I can’t allow my reactive, emotional self to have any voice. I need to harness my devil-may-care attitude and ask the Holy Spirit to guide my actions and thoughts, leading me in green pastures and restoring my soul (some days I feel as though I’ve lost my soul in all of this). I really do want to find the middle-ground but it seems lost. I seem unable to find it. The lack of honesty and vulnerability is keeping us from moving forward. The power struggles and hidden agendas keep us bound up in frustration. Our histories and backgrounds are so varied that no resolution seems valid to the others.

I tell God I’m trusting Him, but the stagnancy I perceive in those who are intent on halting forward momentum is wearing me down. (I wish it was wearing me thin, but I still can’t fit into my skinny jeans.)

What was I thinking? I’d rather be trudging through a swamp . . . oh, wait, I think I am trudging through a swamp, here. This one is just made up of relationships and character flaws, not mud and algae and moss. May we come out of this stronger, more compassionate, less reactive.

“Lord, may I come out of this stronger, more compassionate, and less reactive. (A few pounds thinner would be nice too.) Amen.”

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